The Writing Goddess

in need of some libation

2010-08-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

today is one of those days where large quantities of alcohol seem like an absolute necessity. sadly, i don't have any alcohol at the moment.
i normally deal very well with stress. i mean, lets face it folks; my lifestyle means that stress is a given. most days i tough it out and come out on the other side feeling a-ok. today i feel like the next person that talks to me might get their eyeballs gouged out with an icepick. okay, so not really. the point is that today is one of those days where i've just had enough. so of course that means it is also a day where work is crazy and my kids have apparently forgotten how to listen and have become the spawn of satan.
exercise would be good right now. but i can't take a run because my oldest child is not home, and even in my mentally disturbed state, i still realize it is a bad idea to leave 3 children ages 7 and under at home alone. the house might be a big pile of ash when i returned. and no, i don't do exercise with dvd's. i need fresh air. truth be told i haven't had the time to run in months. with the schedule that we keep around here i'm going to have to start getting up at the asscrack of dawn every fucking morning if i want to get a run in. and i'm not a morning person at all. i hate morning, in fact.
sex would be great too. but i'm kinda tired of the solo kind, and it's not like there are any hot men knocking down the door. and i think i'm hot, so i'm not sure why i'm currently stuck in an involuntary 6 year bout of celibacy. celibacy sucks. sex is good. at least i think i remember it being good.
so obviously that only leaves booze. and i don't fucking have any. excellent.

what i know

2010-08-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

for me, the hardest thing about writing is to decide what to write about. sometimes i have so many ideas swirling around in my head that making sense of them is nearly impossible. and sometimes i have no ideas at all. perhaps the best piece of advice i was ever given in order to conquer writer's block, is to simply write about what i know. and so for today, this is what i know.
i know that for perhaps the first time in my life, i am so comfortable with myself that i truly like being me. my thirties are my favorite decade so far.
i know that i fiercely love and cherish my children and that even though i struggle so thoroughly with this thing called motherhood, it is the most meaningful thing i will ever do.
i know that even with all of the stress and extra work that comes with being a single parent, i am so completely thankful that i get to raise my children alone. there is a peace that i have as a single mom that i never ever had as a married mom.
i know that there is more for me in this life than working a government job. i am thankful for a steady job that enables me to take care of my responsibilities, but i know with everything that is in me that there is something else out there for me. and it is spectacular.
i know that i love the smell of rain in the spring and the smell of brisk cool air in the fall.
i know that sushi is good and that i love wine.
i know that a good laugh can give me that extra push that i need to make it through a rough day.
i know that there is no replacement for the love of a good family and good friends.
i know that i love to cook and that there is comfort in what ultimately happens when i mix yeast with flour and water.
i know that i will get past this. that i have to get past this. because there are words inside of me that are fighting their way out.

enough

2010-08-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

i am a writer working a government job. that makes me no less a writer. it is my fear that makes me less a writer.

The Thorns in my Feet

2008-01-29T12:40:00.001-08:00

This last weekend, I watched the movie Amazing Grace with my oldest daughter. This movie chronicles the life of William Wilberforce, a man who dedicated himself to the abolition of Great Britain's slave trade in the 18th Century. This is one of the best movies I've ever fucking seen, and regardless of your religious persuasion, I heartily recommend it. When Wilberforce entered Parliament he was 21 years old. He was young and full of vigor and dreams. But year after year as he introduced his Bill to abolish the slave trade, and year after year as it was defeated, he became haunted by nightmares filled with the slaves that he felt he had failed to save. He became discouraged and angry and his health began to suffer. At one point in the movie Wilberforce is running through the grass with his friend William Pitt, who was consequently Great Britain's youngest Prime Minister ever at 24 years of age. They are racing in their bare feet, and their heaving breath is warm and forms clouds in the air as it meets with the cold. Pitt knows that Wilberforce is discouraged, and as they walk away from the race he says, "Why is it that I only feel the thorns in my feet when I've stopped running?"

And all I could do at that point was to sit there and say, "damn." You know, I believe that each of us has a purpose. Granted maybe we're not all going to be Prime Minister or work to make the laws in our country, but a purpose is a purpose no matter what it is. Our world is affected each time someone achieves their purpose, just as it is affected each time a purpose is ignored or brushed aside. Maybe your purpose is to be a great parent. Or maybe it is to be a great teacher or a great friend. And maybe you're like me. Maybe you know what your purpose is and maybe you've just decided that you're trapped in your own life and your purpose just can't happen. But what the hell is that all about anyway? I can only be trapped if I give my permission to be trapped. And honestly, that's what I've been doing. I've been walking around on the grass feeling the thorns pierce the bottom of my feet, all the while making a million excuses for why I can't do what I believe I was put here to do. Really, I'm just being a giant chicken shit.

I've only got this one life. I've got one chance to run the race and make a fucking difference. Yes, my life today is not what I planned for when I dreamt about my future. Life has thrown me a million curve balls, and none of them have been easy. But why am I letting them define me? Why CAN'T I achieve my purpose? I really have no excuse. None.

William Wilberforce kept running. Even when he was all alone, even when his health was failing him, even when he had been defeated over and over and over again. And you know what? His purpose was fulfilled. He lived to see Great Britain abolish it's slave trade. What would have happened had he given up? What would have happened if he had decided to walk along letting the thorns pierce his feet?

And what the hell am I waiting for? It's time to run, dammit!

The Hard Hard Work of Forgiving

2008-01-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

Forgiveness has never come easy to me. In the past I have mulled over grudges and wrongs done to me or those I love until they have fermented and become something entirely different, and not altogether pleasant, than what they were in the beginning. But it seems like as I have aged, I just don't get angry over the things that used to piss me off so much. Therefore, I don't have as much to forgive. And I can honestly say that at this point in my life, there is only one thing that I am holding onto; that I am refusing to forgive. And I can also say with perfect clarity that if I don't let it go, it will poison me and every aspect of my life. I need to let it go so that my soul can heal. I need to let it go so that it will not infuse my every waking moment. I need to let it go so that it will quit building up inside of me and then exploding as harsh words directed towards my innocent children or other family member. I just need to let it go so that I can move on.
Recently I read The Red Book by Sera Beak, and it is seriously one of the best fucking books I've ever read. It's life-changing really. Sera says this, "As real or painful or even joyous as a given drama or emotion may feel, your true power lies in your ability to fully have it, to let it go, and move on."
Reading that was like a slap in the face. Damn. You mean by holding onto this grudge, by refusing to forgive, I am actually relinquishing my power??!! That is just not acceptable to me. But at the same time, I know that even if I make a conscious choice to forgive this person, those old hateful thoughts will crop up from time to time because this person is never really going to go away for me. Because he is the father of my children. So what the hell do I do? I guess all I can do is to speak the words, "I forgive you" from the depths of my soul and then to repeat them any time a negative thought worms its way into my mind. Perhaps saying it over and over will make it true. Words have enormous power after all.
I want my power back, dammit. So, here we go.
David, I forgive you.

Musings on Love

2008-01-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

Everywhere I look I see decorations for Valentines Day. And truthfully, I've been thinking a lot about love recently anyway. First off, let me say that I am not someone who feels that I need to find someone to complete me. I believe I am perfectly complete on my own. If it is my destiny to live the rest of my life single, then so be it. I am comfortable enough with myself to be alone. I have plenty of things in life that I find fulfilling and uplifting. Am I lonely sometimes? Absofuckinglutely! But I have good friends and a wonderful family and beautiful children, and when I think about all of that, I can never feel sorry for myself for too long.
However, my intuition is telling me that it is not really in my destiny for me to be single for the rest of my life. It may sound ludicrous or frivolous or even ridiculous, but I feel a connection to a soul that is somewhere out there. I can sometimes feel the presence of this soul in a very real way. And I never knew why until recently I came across a poem written by Rumi. Jalaluddin Rumi was a rockin' Persian Sufi mystic that lived back in the 1200's. One day he met another mystic named Shamsuddin, and the two men fell into the deepest kind of love. They were inseperable until some asshole murdered Shamsuddin, and of course Rumi's heart was shattered. But out of his soul-searing pain, Rumi began to write some of the most fabulous poetry ever conceived.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you,
not knowing
how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
(From The Essential Rumi, translations by Coleman Barks with John Moyne)

The minute I read those few short lines, it clicked. The reason I can feel this soul's very real presence is because it already exists inside of me. And the reason that every relationship (including two failed-ass marriages) in my past has not worked is because the presence of that soul inside of me is standing up waving a flag, saying "NO. I'm right here." Fucking deep.

And so, I wait. I look around me at all of the Valentines Day cards and banners and chocolates, and even the sexy lingerie, and I smile. Because I am truly not alone. I know that eventually my love's body will catch up with his soul and join me. In fact, I may just buy some of that sexy lingerie and put it on my sexy self as part of my journey of learning to truly and deeply love my self. So that when he is here in a tangible way, I can give him an offering of love from a soul that is truly whole.

2008-01-14T12:59:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking recently. I've been thinking about how I treat myself and how I think about myself and how I dream for myself. And quite honestly, I'm disgusted. I spend a good portion of each day filling my body and mind with unhealthy stuff. I constantly tear myself down in my mind and with my spoken words. And it seems that some time ago I lost the ability to really dream. And that is just not okay with me. And so, I am going to start acting like the goddess that I am. This is a journey to change my thoughts, my body, my outlook, my self.
So, I'm going to start by answering the questions that appear in the badass quote at the bottom of this blog. And then each day I shall approach that day with the answers to those questions in mind. Each day I shall see myself as the manifestation of the Divine that I am. I'm not dumb enough to think that this will erase all my negative thoughts and actions. No, this is a journey. And this blog is a chronicle of that journey. I give myself permission to fuck things up over and over again, and to ultimately change the path that I am on. So, here we go.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would do only those things that affirmed me and affected my life in a positive way. I would stand outside while it snowed with my arms outstretched and my face looking at the sky. I would relish each individual moment spent with my children. I would take time to write a poem.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would feed myself whole natural foods that fuel my body and give me energy. I would stop filling myself with sugar and fast food that are not only making my waistline expand, but ultimately shortening the life that I share with my family. I would take care of myself with the same dedication and devotion that I take care of my children. Because they deserve a mother who is whole. I would revere myself with a positive thought while glancing in the mirror.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would create prayers of thanksgiving. I would spend the whole day reminding myself of everything that I have that I am so very thankful for.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would create a ritual of honoring my body. I would take a bath, washing each part of myself while speaking of the beauty and originality of each part. I would speak words of love to the body that has heard so many words of disrespect and hate come out of my mouth.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, my name would be Sophia because I want to live knowing that true wisdom knows that it knows not.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would wear red. I would go head to toe in hot sexy red, because I am a hot sexy goddess.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, my worshipers would consist of only those who recognize that they too hold the Divine within them.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would expect to be treated with love.