The Thorns in my Feet

This last weekend, I watched the movie Amazing Grace with my oldest daughter. This movie chronicles the life of William Wilberforce, a man who dedicated himself to the abolition of Great Britain's slave trade in the 18th Century. This is one of the best movies I've ever fucking seen, and regardless of your religious persuasion, I heartily recommend it. When Wilberforce entered Parliament he was 21 years old. He was young and full of vigor and dreams. But year after year as he introduced his Bill to abolish the slave trade, and year after year as it was defeated, he became haunted by nightmares filled with the slaves that he felt he had failed to save. He became discouraged and angry and his health began to suffer. At one point in the movie Wilberforce is running through the grass with his friend William Pitt, who was consequently Great Britain's youngest Prime Minister ever at 24 years of age. They are racing in their bare feet, and their heaving breath is warm and forms clouds in the air as it meets with the cold. Pitt knows that Wilberforce is discouraged, and as they walk away from the race he says, "Why is it that I only feel the thorns in my feet when I've stopped running?"

And all I could do at that point was to sit there and say, "damn." You know, I believe that each of us has a purpose. Granted maybe we're not all going to be Prime Minister or work to make the laws in our country, but a purpose is a purpose no matter what it is. Our world is affected each time someone achieves their purpose, just as it is affected each time a purpose is ignored or brushed aside. Maybe your purpose is to be a great parent. Or maybe it is to be a great teacher or a great friend. And maybe you're like me. Maybe you know what your purpose is and maybe you've just decided that you're trapped in your own life and your purpose just can't happen. But what the hell is that all about anyway? I can only be trapped if I give my permission to be trapped. And honestly, that's what I've been doing. I've been walking around on the grass feeling the thorns pierce the bottom of my feet, all the while making a million excuses for why I can't do what I believe I was put here to do. Really, I'm just being a giant chicken shit.

I've only got this one life. I've got one chance to run the race and make a fucking difference. Yes, my life today is not what I planned for when I dreamt about my future. Life has thrown me a million curve balls, and none of them have been easy. But why am I letting them define me? Why CAN'T I achieve my purpose? I really have no excuse. None.

William Wilberforce kept running. Even when he was all alone, even when his health was failing him, even when he had been defeated over and over and over again. And you know what? His purpose was fulfilled. He lived to see Great Britain abolish it's slave trade. What would have happened had he given up? What would have happened if he had decided to walk along letting the thorns pierce his feet?

And what the hell am I waiting for? It's time to run, dammit!

I've been thinking recently. I've been thinking about how I treat myself and how I think about myself and how I dream for myself. And quite honestly, I'm disgusted. I spend a good portion of each day filling my body and mind with unhealthy stuff. I constantly tear myself down in my mind and with my spoken words. And it seems that some time ago I lost the ability to really dream. And that is just not okay with me. And so, I am going to start acting like the goddess that I am. This is a journey to change my thoughts, my body, my outlook, my self.
So, I'm going to start by answering the questions that appear in the badass quote at the bottom of this blog. And then each day I shall approach that day with the answers to those questions in mind. Each day I shall see myself as the manifestation of the Divine that I am. I'm not dumb enough to think that this will erase all my negative thoughts and actions. No, this is a journey. And this blog is a chronicle of that journey. I give myself permission to fuck things up over and over again, and to ultimately change the path that I am on. So, here we go.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would do only those things that affirmed me and affected my life in a positive way. I would stand outside while it snowed with my arms outstretched and my face looking at the sky. I would relish each individual moment spent with my children. I would take time to write a poem.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would feed myself whole natural foods that fuel my body and give me energy. I would stop filling myself with sugar and fast food that are not only making my waistline expand, but ultimately shortening the life that I share with my family. I would take care of myself with the same dedication and devotion that I take care of my children. Because they deserve a mother who is whole. I would revere myself with a positive thought while glancing in the mirror.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would create prayers of thanksgiving. I would spend the whole day reminding myself of everything that I have that I am so very thankful for.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would create a ritual of honoring my body. I would take a bath, washing each part of myself while speaking of the beauty and originality of each part. I would speak words of love to the body that has heard so many words of disrespect and hate come out of my mouth.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, my name would be Sophia because I want to live knowing that true wisdom knows that it knows not.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would wear red. I would go head to toe in hot sexy red, because I am a hot sexy goddess.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, my worshipers would consist of only those who recognize that they too hold the Divine within them.

If I treated myself like a goddess for a day, I would expect to be treated with love.