Track Meet Schmack Meet

Yesterday afternoon I spent almost four hours with my 40 year old ass planted on the very hard ground of a very steep hill while I watched my youngest daughter compete in her first middle school track and field meet. The weather was absolutely perfect for this kind of an event, but by the time we finally left I had a headache the likes of which can only be caused by some sort of demonic possession. Needless to say, I was in quite a pissy mood as we began the drive home. But then my girl said something that stopped me in my tracks. She said that she was happy and that it was the first time she could remember being happy after participating in an athletic event. A little background here. My girl spent over five years doing competitive gymnastics. She lived and breathed the gym. Her best friends were there and she was literally there more than she was ever at home. During those five years she competed in countless gymnastic competitions all over our state. And as good and talented as she was (and she was really, really good), she was never happy when a meet was over. She would spend the whole car ride home feeling sad; feeling like what she had done was just not good enough. No matter what I would say to her, she was just sad. But she loved the sport and loved being at the gym, so we just kept on keeping on. Finally, at the end of last summer she made the very mature decision to say goodbye to gymnastics. She was getting ready to start middle school and wanted the time for other sports and other activities. This year she has made countless new friends and has been active at school; she ran cross country in the fall and has joined student council. She has even joined a local crossfit gym so that she can stay in the shape she has been accustomed to. And I have watched her grow into herself and just blossom. This spring it was a given that she would join the school track and field team. She is on two relay teams and does the long jump. And you know what? She is really, really good at it. But as I was driving home with a nauseatingly painful headache, she said the words that sealed the deal for me. She was happy. And when I took a minute to glance at her in my rearview, I could literally see the happiness pouring out of her. She was glowing. I thought about watching her run during the meet. I remembered the way the muscles in her legs flexed as she pushed them and how as I watched her make the long run around the track it just seemed effortless for her. I remembered watching her soar through the air as she jumped. It was then that I realized something. Many times when we have the courage to say goodbye, we leave the door open to be greeted with a new hello that will be wonderful beyond anything we could have ever imagined. Here's to new hello's.

Well This is Embarrassing

So here is a confession. I haven't been to this blog in almost seven years, and for the better part of those seven years, I forgot this blog was even a thing. Saying that sounds so clever in a way. Yes, my life has been so full and busy and beautiful that I forgot I was trying to find myself and I didn't ever feel the need to write at all. What a crock of shit. On the one hand, my life has always been full and busy and beautiful. Never easy, but always beautiful. On the other, my willingness to forget about who I really am and who I really want to be has led me down a path that I'm not proud of. When we attempt to run away from ourselves there are always consequences. In my case that means an eating disorder and weight gain. Awesome. Don't get me wrong. There is not anything inherently wrong with a fat body. There are all different kinds of bodies and all of them are okay. But the eating disorder? Yeah, there is something wrong with that. The hate for my body and complete disregard for all the wonderful things it can do? There is something wrong with that too. And it is not strange at all that as I have spent the better part of the last year learning to appreciate and even love my body just as she is while marveling at her powers and abilities, I have also been feeding my spirit's desire to make things and to meditate and to write. Learning to be completely okay with whoever and whatever you are? Yes, there is such power in that. Onward.